In January of 2013 I wrote this in my journal:
“I wish there was something or somebody to blame for what I’ve become and the things I have done, only I know I am to blame. I have let my life stagnate, with no improvement. In fact when I see something is bad for me then I go for it. Be it emotionally or otherwise. How did I get here? I wish I could go back in time and redo things, undo some decisions that I made and knew were bad for me. They were bad for me then and are bad for me now and yet I still continue to destroy my life. I am my own worst enemy! How do I deal with that? I feel broken and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe I know but just don’t do anything about it. I want to change but keep going back to the same routine, to what I now know. What would have disgusted me in the past is now my life. I know I do want to change but I’m finding it so difficult. God please help me!!!”
After writing this, I continued with my life the way it was. I didn’t try to change in any way even though I was not happy with where I was and the life I was living. I had just given up. I didn’t think God heard my prayer and felt my will power wasn’t enough to help me to change.
A month later I felt driven to quit my job without another one. After months of looking for another job I was forced to leave the country I was in and go back home to live with my mother. At the time it felt like it was the worst thing that could happen, especially since I had just turned 31. Now four years later I look back to that time and realize God was answering my prayer. He took me out of a situation where I had admitted I couldn’t get out of on my own. Being back home was a sobering experience.
It didn’t happen overnight but I can safely say today, June 4th 2017, I am a changed person and I am back to being proud of me. I’m still a flawed human being but I’m trying my best. It all started with a cry for help. If you’re reading this and you need somebody to cry to, try God and he will definitely hear you. Sometimes will power isn’t enough and you just need to reach out to him as you are.