This is the first article in a series on mental health. In this article I would like to talk about feelings. We will zoom in on the feelings of anger, and demystify some myths around anger.
What is anger?
I could give you my own definition of anger but I think Spielberger captures it quite aptly when he defines anger as “an emotional state that varies from mild irritation to intense fury.” Anger can be a good sign for one to know when their boundaries as an individual have been violated. It is good to ask yourself “what is it that triggers anger in me? What makes me angry? What can I do about it?” Yes, there is something you can do about it. Being proactive in this manner can assist you to respond in a positive way and not react in a negative way.
You need to realise that there are some environments you cannot control, however, there is a constant environment you can control and that is yourself. You can control how you respond to what triggers anger within you. Each day we are all presented with opportunities to trigger anger in us. The long queues at the supermarket, banks, passport office. The driver who abruptly turns in front of you without indicating. The boss who shouts at everyone in the office when they are stressed. These are just the realities of life, but you need to take control of your emotions so that you don’t become a slave to emotions, especially anger.
Demystifying anger
Let’s talk about this feeling called anger. Anger is not the problem but what you do when you are angry that leads to problems. Most people react badly when provoked to anger, that becomes the downfall for most of us. In a moment of anger one says harsh words that tear, break, and destroy others. Damaging words once spoken can never be reversed or taken back. Try to imagine that beautiful mirror. that full length mirror that you look at before you leave the house. Let’s just visualise in a moment of anger you take that mirror and with all your strength smash it on the floor, it shatters into a thousand pieces. Once you have come back to your senses you want your mirror back. The reality is that no amount of glue can glue back that mirror no matter how sorry you now feel. Here we are talking about tangible things that can be replaced. What about when we are talking about intangible things like relationships?
How our anger affects our key relationships
In a moment of anger not only do we damage the other person who we will soon need but we also damage ourselves with double the effect. In that we have become a slave to anger and now we have fragmented feelings. You need to realise that you are in the driver’s seat of your emotions. You are responsible for how you deal with your anger.
We also need to realise that our upbringing plays a role in how we relate to anger. Some individuals grew up in angry environments where angry words were the order of the day, and they learned anger from a tender age. So they grew up as angry individuals. Some individuals grew up in environments where feelings were suppressed and they were not allowed to express their emotions. They suppressed their anger and later on in life they begin to explode and self-destruct.
So what can we as individuals do?
We start at the beginning, by looking at ourselves before we blame others for making us angry. Statements like “she or he always makes me angry,” or “if it wasn’t for Mary I would be a happy person” don’t work. You need to get to a place within yourself that the environment does not control you but rather, in that angry environment you choose to respond positively and not react negatively to anger.
In my work as a counsellor I have found that most of us women, me included, struggle with stress, anger and forgiveness. These three are interrelated. As expressive as we are, when it comes to this area we seem to fall flat on our faces. In Ephesians 4 verse 26, the bible says “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” There is so much wisdom and truth in that. It would greatly assist us if we kept the following in mind:
- Anger is like an alarm that alerts you a boundary of yours has been violated.
- Don’t ignore your anger. It will not go away on its own. If you ignore it, it actually grows.Have you ever had a terrible smell of something rotten in your kitchen? I mean every time you get into the kitchen there is a foul smell. You move every cupboard, clean everything until you find where the terrible smell is coming from. Maybe it’s a rotten tomato underneath the sink. It’s only after you have removed it and cleaned up, that the kitchen becomes clean and sweet aroma lingers again. That is what anger does, it warns you that something is not right. Don’t ignore it but address it, and deal with it before it festers.
- Behaviour is learned and can be unlearned. It doesn’t help you to say things like: “What if this is the way that I am. I can’t help being angry at everyone. People should learn to accommodate me.” You can’t change other people, the only one you have control of is you. The sad truth is so many angry people are very negative people and have indirectly sabotaged their own happiness and success.
- You cannot think angry thoughts all the time and be happy at the same time. Your dominant thoughts will become your dominant actions. Your dominant actions will become who you are.
For years I struggled with dealing with anger in a positive and constructive way. I was that person ready for any opportunity to become angry but the moment I was ready to confront the triggers and let go of some lies concerning anger, I was able to become a positive, fruitful and productive individual. I am happier now, some days I am more happy than others, some days I actually look in the mirror and wonder if there is anyone on earth as happy as me. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t say my life or environment was perfect, contrary to that it’s filled with all the general problems that any woman living in Zimbabwe faces. Some days are even filled with more problems because of the work I do, in assisting others to deal with their own problems and taking responsibility for the choices they make. I am not perfect, but I have grown to become the driver of my own emotions and become a happy person in the midst of adverse situations.
If you would like a copy of my Counselling training manual or Counselling services please get in touch with Counsellor Sandy on +263 774782297. “Today is brighter with a whole you.”
For those interested, the backdrop of this article is learning from my own experience as well as the following books:
Cormier, S and Hackney, H (1993) – The Professional Counselling: A process guide to helping.
Beck, R and Fernandez, E (1998) – Cognitive behaviour therapy in the treatment of anger.
Claringbull, N (2011) – Mental Health in Counselling and Psychotherapy.
Sandra Areka is a professional counsellor with wide experience in working with diverse people and groups of all ages, from children to the elderly. She is also a counselling trainer, a speaker and an event planner.
