I don’t know if you can relate to this but I grew up without an earthly father. Although my mother loved me and provided for me I still felt rejected. For a long time I harboured feelings of rejection and being unloved and ultimately unlovable. It was therefore difficult for me to love myself. This filtered into all areas of my life. My actions showed that I didn’t love myself.
I remember growing up I couldn’t watch anything about an absentee father and not get angry or feel hurt. When I turned to God a few years ago I started dealing with forgiveness and reflecting on people I needed to forgive. After the way God took me back with open arms, no questions asked, I wanted to do that for people I was still angry with or still felt hurt by. My father was one of them.
I told myself to be understanding because I’m a flawed human being and so is he. I even wrote him a letter venting and saying how I felt, without sending it. I forgave him, or at least I thought I did. Then in 2018 I went for a sort of retreat with a few friends and there we spoke about many different things in our lives. There was lots of crying, heart to hearts and relaxation, a very much needed get away. I’d advise you to do this every once in a while, it makes a huge difference.
Whilst there we were talking about our weddings (that are yet to be lol) and one of my friends asked if I would invite my father to my wedding. I said no, I hardly know him and have no relationship with him. She said “But he’s your father.” I lost it. “My father???” I asked her. “I didn’t grow up with him, he’s never done anything for me, he lived in the same city as me…” I went on and on.
Then it hit me, I was still angry and hurt. I was surprised because I genuinely thought I had forgiven and forgotten and all that. My reaction showed me that I still had issues on the father front. So I did the only thing I now know to do, I turned it to my heavenly Father, God. I told God I didn’t realise how angry and hurt I was and asked Him to heal me of the pain I was feeling. I did this because I know how poisonous those feelings can be, especially for my future husband and children. They would be the ones suffering the consequences.
Because God is such a loving Father who hears our prayers, bit by bit He started to work that anger and hurt out of me. Our retreat ended on a Sunday afternoon and that evening one of my friends invited me to attend church with her before I went back home the next day. I did and the message that evening was titled “The good, good Father.” It was about how God is our father and a good father at that. It reminded me that now God is my Father, so I don’t ever have to feel fatherless or rejected or unloved.
That same week, I watched a sermon by Stephanie Ike on healing and it ministered to my heart. Some days later I attended a book launch that I believe was meant for me. I say so because whilst there this verse was mentioned by 3 different speakers and performers: “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1 verse 5. A poet also performed a poem called “Good, good Father.” I left there feeling loved because God used the event to speak to my heart and minister to me.
For weeks since finding out about the anger and hurt issue, God showed me in so many different ways that my identity was found in Him and that He truly loves me. There was lots of crying and letting go of certain feelings but at the end of it all, God took away my hurt and anger. I didn’t have to do it myself. I asked God to do it for me because I knew 36 years of hurt and anger wasn’t going to disappear overnight if I tried to do it on my own.
After God worked in me, I was able to write a letter to my father telling him that I loved him and that I forgave him. I didn’t send it and didn’t plan on doing so but it freed me. Carrying all that hurt and anger would have been bad for me and the people around me. I didn’t feel any anger anymore.
Then as I told a friend about the experience, she said maybe I should tell my father that I forgave him. I didn’t think it was necessary and said as much but she said maybe he needs to hear it. I prayed about it and felt the Holy Spirit convicting me to do it. I searched for his contact details and messaged him the letter I had never intended to send. As I reread it I realised I meant every word. It was a miracle because hurt and angry me would not have been able to write that letter and send it.
His reaction told me it was good to contact him because he needed it. What I hadn’t considered is that it would be good for me too. We met for lunch. I got to find out things about him that I never knew that explained a lot about him. I saw him as just a man who got dealt a bad hand in life and like me was trying to live his life the best way he knew how. Anger and hurt would have clouded me from seeing that.
I wrote and shared the above in 2018 for a women’s ministry I was part of. At the time I didn’t see how the experience would matter 3 years later. My father recently passed away and although I cried, reflected and am still processing, there is no hurt and no anger because of what happened in 2018. Not only that, I invited him to a Women’s Day event I was speaking at last year (2020) at the beginning of March and he came, something I greatly appreciated. If I had held on to anger, I would never have had that experience to hold on to now.
Choosing to work on healing in this particular case (there is more healing I’m still working on) helped me. I believe if you have issues of forgiveness, anger, hurt, that require healing, it is important to address them. Not for the other person or people involved, but for you. It might not look like my experience but however you deal with, reflect on or process things, do that where healing is concerned. I don’t know what will help you. For some of you what is troubling you requires seeing a therapist or for some, something entirely different. I’m just sharing my experience to express how necessary healing is and how it can help you.
Sometime last year, whilst being interviewed by Tim Ferriss, Brené Brown said something that got me thinking. She said we each in one way or another need to heal from past trauma. She said if we don’t, the effects of the trauma manifest themselves in different ways in our lives. Tim Ferriss likened it to Pandora’s Box that we don’t want to open. To this, Brené Brown said what people don’t realise is that you might not open the box but you’re actually inside the box yourself! You’re still affected, you just don’t realise it.
A later interview by Tim Ferriss on his show made me finally take a step towards healing in another aspect of my life. I saw the need for it and saw that I’m not alone and finally felt like I could do it without it killing me. I’ve started that journey. It’s not easy, lots of tears are involved but I’ve started and it’s making all the difference. I hope what I’ve shared shows you that whatever you need healing from, healing is possible and that you’re not alone.
The above is an excerpt from my co-authored book Beyond Bubble Baths – A journey to wellness, which is free and available for download here.
