Where some people grow up loving themselves, I didn’t do that. It’s only recently that I’ve been on a self-love journey, one that’s still in the process. I didn’t realize that I had to love myself and it wasn’t apparent to me that I actually didn’t love myself. Now that I know how important it is to love yourself, I’m doing everything I can to make that a reality in my life.
To me self-love means loving yourself as you are. It means being kind to yourself. Being forgiving to yourself. It means treating yourself with compassion as you would a loved one, instead of being hard on yourself. I believe self-love begins with self-acceptance. You can improve yourself but I believe you have to accept yourself as you are first to be able to love yourself.
It’s important to love yourself as you are because if you wait until a certain time, what if that time never comes? You can’t put conditions on your loving yourself. Real love is not meant to be conditional. Would you ever say to your child or someone you love “I’ll only love you if you get certain grades” or “I’ll love you when you’re a certain weight?” or “I’ll love you if you have a certain qualification.” I doubt you’d ever say that to someone you care about. Why then would you do it to yourself? Are you not as valuable as the people you care about?
To me this was such a revelation because I had never looked at it that way. Realizing that has made me think how crazy it is not to love myself. It seems silly now that I struggled with it so much, when I should love myself without conditions.
If you don’t love yourself before a certain condition changes, I doubt you will love yourself when it does. You might think you do but it’s conditional. For example if you love yourself only when you’ve lost weight, what happens if you gain it back? I see all these people who’ve lost weight and I admire them for doing so. What concerns me though is when some say things like “now that I’ve lost weight I love myself.” I wonder, do you really? And if you gain it back, will the love stay? I think it’s also dangerous to make such statements because young girls and impressionable people see this and think I can’t love myself as I am, I have to wait until I reach a certain weight or achieve certain things.
I think it’s important to love yourself because it’s difficult to fully love others and impact others if you hate yourself. If you don’t love yourself it can affect your relationships, whether it’s family, friends or your significant other. With your significant other, if you don’t love yourself you’ll expect that love from them and that’s putting unnecessary pressure on them because they can’t make you love yourself.
With your children, they learn less from what we say than what we do. If they see you not loving yourself, they’ll learn to hate themselves too. You won’t want that but it ends up happening. Show them a great example by letting them see it’s a wonderful thing to love yourself.
It matters even more with girls. Tell them and show them you love them. Tell them and show them they are beautiful before the world comes and tells them lies. Some of the things I’m dealing with now could have been avoided by being told certain things when I was younger. There is no need to blame anyone because our parents didn’t know any better, but we need to do better for our children because we know better.
As part of a continuous journey of self-love and self-celebration, I asked myself how I see myself. I wrote down what I see as my best qualities. I then wrote down qualities that I would like to see in myself. Together they form how I now choose to view myself. The result was the below poem that I recorded and now listen to everyday. I’m sharing it in case you consider writing your own poem about yourself.
Sibonginkosi, African Queen – A self-celebration poem
All hail the African Queen, Daughter of the Most High God
Made in the image of God, royal blood flows through her veins
A beloved daughter, Yahweh is pleased with her and she knows it
She has nothing to prove, in Him she is already approved
Known before she was formed in her mother’s womb
Not only does she know who she is, she knows whose she is.
All hail the African Queen, Daughter of the Most High God
As she walks into a room with grace and poise, the atmosphere shifts
She is beauty personified, in body, soul, spirit and heart
A gift from God, as her name suggests, we thank God for her
With obedience and submission she serves her God
With her smile she puts a smile on the faces of all she encounters.
All hail the African Queen, Daughter of the Most High God
Connected to the Holy Spirit, her love of Jesus is infectious
When she walks into a room the level of faith shoots up
People believe because she shows them what belief can do
As she lives in her purpose, with passion, others follow suit
Her love of herself allows people to love themselves too.
All hail the African Queen, Daughter of the Most High God
She freely opens herself to be loved and receive that love
Resulting in her being loved by the God-sent man of her dreams
In her he finds respect, honesty, loyalty, patience and faithfulness
Coupled with discipline, kindness, generosity and a forgiving heart
With her support and cheer-leading her husband thrives.
All hail the African Queen, Daughter of the Most High God
If you ask anyone who knows her, they will tell you:
She is a loving person who loves even those seemingly unlovable
Her understanding and non-judgmental nature shines through
She is self-secure and exudes confidence everywhere she goes
Her great sense of humour melts even the toughest of hearts.
© Sibo Hlabangana, 2020.
