The New Year always starts with such great promise and 2021 was no different (particularly after the peculiar hardships presented by the global pandemic in 2020.) I was feeling positive about the New Year and I was particularly excited and hopeful to accomplish some amazing things along the way. My affirmations were posted right across my bed. I was determined and focused. 4 days into the New Year my confidence was shaken. On the 4th of January 2021 I was diagnosed with COVID-19. What I thought was a simple case of tonsillitis turned out to be something more sinister. I braced myself.
I had watched the news, read the articles and was well informed on the physical manifestation of the disease. At this point I only had a sore throat and my whole body ached. I knew what to expect next; the fever, headache, loss of smell and taste as well as the persistent dry cough. I gathered the necessary supplies and apparatus to get me through the fight ahead – a portable nebuliser, vitamins, pain killers and antibiotics. The next 10 days were going to be critical. I made the decision not to share this diagnosis with anybody else outside of my family. I did not want my friends to worry unnecessarily. They had their own struggles (who didn’t, 2020 had been a difficult year!) Besides I was confident that I would soon be well. I had everything I needed to get through this. I was ready.
What I was not prepared for was the emotional tumult that descended. My husband had to move out of the bedroom and for the first time in our marriage of 18 years we were under the same roof but sleeping in separate rooms. My children could not access me physically and to speak to me they had to wear masks and keep a safe distance from the deadly infection I carried. Isolation was necessary but it left in its wake a trail of loneliness and fear. As the symptoms appeared and intensified, the fear escalated. In desperation I tried homeopathic ‘remedies’ and so began a gruelling regimen of medication, nebulisation and steaming. Already physically battered and drained, I struggled to stay afloat mentally.
What had happened to the positivity I had felt at the start of the year? Why was I slowly giving up? It was only the 8th of January. What about the awesome things I had intentions of achieving before COVID-19 showed up? I still had dreams and plans and they were real and valid. I took another look at the affirmations on my wall. I read one sentence out loud.
‘Let your faith be bigger than your fear.’
I was letting fear win. I had to remind myself that I was bigger than the disease. Even if it took me out, I was not going to go down scared and cowering in fear. I wish I could say I was immediately inspired and that my motivation changed the disease progression. In fact the very opposite happened. The next day I struggled to breathe and I felt like a train wreck. Not surprisingly fear showed up to taunt me.
‘Where’s your faith now?’
‘I’m alive aren’t I?’ I responded.
That is all I needed. To stay alive and to see another day. Faith is not about feelings. Or having all the answers. It is not about the absence of challenges or danger lying in wait in the shadows. Faith is about trusting that you will get through, even when you do not see how. And so as the days passed I remembered to be thankful for seeing another sunrise. I held on to the promise of life and health through prayer and worship.
I also reached out to my friends, realising that my earlier decision to keep the news to myself only further isolated me. I needed their support and they showed up; calling daily and sending messages which kept me hopeful. I leaned heavily on the support of family and friends. The wars we fight in life are best battled in the company of those who know us best and love us without reserve. That’s why isolation is the hardest battle to overcome in the management of COVID-19. Although I could not touch my children (and they counted down till the day they could hug me!) they surrounded me with love. I would never again take a hug for granted.
My parents prayed and held the faith for me when my own faith wavered. The battle raged on. Some days were good and I could eat a little but other days I could barely walk and I would lie in bed in complete despair. Fighting is not easy but in the end we all won. My husband. My children. My family. My friends. All of us. Together.
I’m still giving my body time to recover from the trauma of this disease. I still get tired easily and I am building up to the level of strength I had before. I find it difficult to do simple tasks I could do before without getting a little out of breath. But there is one good thing I’ve noticed since my recovery. My skin is glowing. Maybe I’ll continue with the steaming after all.
Ruramai Mugwisi is a girl and women’s empowerment champion, budding spoken word artist, digital content creator, medical scientist, wife and mother to four amazing children. She’s a devoted Christian and passionate about purposeful and mindful living.
